People near the end of life most often regret what they didn't do: time not spent with people they love, courage they didn't find, and lives lived to others' expectations. That pattern shows up in both personal accounts and research on regret.
A nurse's list
Bronnie Ware, an Australian who worked in palliative care, wrote a widely shared blog post and later a book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. The regrets she heard most often were:
- Not having the courage to live a life true to themselves.
- Working so hard.
- Not having the courage to express their feelings.
- Not staying in touch with friends.
- Not letting themselves be happier.
Her list is based on her own experience with patients, not a scientific study, so it's best seen as a thoughtful account rather than proof.
What the research suggests
Research on regret points in a similar direction. In 1995, psychologists Thomas Gilovich and Victoria Husted Medvec published a review in Psychological Review. They found that in the short term, people tend to regret things they did, but over the long run, they more often regret things they didn't do. Later studies have confirmed that shift over time, though not always as strongly.
What it can't tell you
No list can tell you what you'll regret. Your life, faith and values are your own. And some regret is part of every human life.
The habit: live today the way you'll want to remember it
- Call the friend you keep meaning to call.
- Say the thing you want to say to the people you love.
- Take the step you've been afraid to take.
- Keep work in its place.
The rule that makes it stick: decide what matters before the busy season
Write down what you'd regret not doing if your life ended in five years. Review it every few months and plan your calendar around it.
This week
Do one thing from that list this week.
The keep
Living with your regrets in mind costs some courage now. It gives you fewer of them later.
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